For an FBI director, he sure has crummy English skills

Here's the opening paragraph of an e-mail I received recently, purportedly from FBI Director Robert Mueller:

This is to Officially inform you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly Investigated with the help of our Intelligence Monitoring Network System that you are having an illegal Transaction with Impostors claiming to be Prof Charles C. Soludo of the Central Bank of Nigeria, Mr. Patrick Aziza, Mr. Frank Nweke, none officials of Oceanic Bank, Zenith Banks, Kelvin Young of HSBC, Ben of Fedex, Ibrahim Sule, Larry Christopher, Puppy Scammers are impostors claiming to be the Federal Bureau of Investigation. During our investigation, we noticed the reason why you have not received your payment is because you have not fulfilled your Financial Obligation given to you in respect to your Contract/Inheritance Payment.

Well, if that hadn't piqued my interest, the e-mail went on to say that I was in line to get an "ATM CARD" that would give me access to $11 million, at a maximum withdrawal rate of $40,000 to $50,000 a day. My only obligation was to send these kind folks at the FBI the $110 payment necessary to secure my "Approval Slip." I know, I know. Some of you are thinking this is a scam. But the e-mail went on to tell me that "Since the Federal Bureau of Investigation is involved in this transaction, you have to be rest assured for this is 100 percent risk free it is our duty to protect the American Citizens." So there. Anybody else want in?

Did a limb fall on their heads?

I swear this is true. An Associated Press story out of Ireland says thousands of Irish Catholics are flocking to a rural church to pray and create a shrine at the stump of a recently felled willow tree that some people say resembles the Virgin Mary. No, really. Noel White, who is overseeing the removal of trees from the churchyard at St. Mary's in Rathkeale, said a "funny shape" was created when a major limb cracked off one of the trees that was being cut down. Then a worker cut through the stump vertically to create the supposed Virgin Mary outline. If you ask me, it looks just as much like an emperor penguin chick. The local priest, the Rev. Willie Russell, stopped just short of calling the tree pilgrims nut cases. Even the guy who cut into the tree stump to create its current shape isn't buying it. "I see it as the grain of a tree, myself," said Anthony Reddin. And the County Limerick diocese of the church says it views the stump hoopla with "great skepticism." I know the Irish have the reputation of being a drinking people, but it must take a lot of whiskey to make this hunk of wood look like the Queen of Heaven.

Racism is alive and well

So much for that "City of Brotherly Love" thing. According to an AP story, a day camp director says her kids were tossed out of a private swim club recently in suburban Philadelphia after members allegedly questioned what black children were doing in the pool. Creative Steps day camp had paid fees to swim at the pool, but camp director Alethea Wright says three of her kids told her they heard members of The Valley Club ask what blacks were doing there. Several days later, Wright says the camp’s swimming fees were refunded, without explanation. The president of the club, John Duesler, told a Philly television station that several club members had lodged complaints because the black children "fundamentally changed the atmosphere" at the pool. He said the complaints didn't involve race. Noooooooo. Of course not. The members were probably concerned that the black kids would create safety hazards by getting fried chicken grease all over the diving board and spitting watermelon seeds everywhere. What's next at The Valley Club? Night swimming, softly lit by burning crosses?

Overkill

Did you ever say something critical about someone who had just died, and another person told you that you should be more respectful because the person "wasn't even in the ground yet"? Well, now that Michael Jackson is presumably in the ground or headed there very shortly (unless his head is being frozen somewhere, a la Ted Williams), I'd like to say that the amount of attention paid to his death by the media was beyond ridiculous. I do understand that he "did Thriller" and was a music icon. But the level of fawning and hyperbole at Jackson's memorial service boggled the mind. Magic Johnson, who has never been the sharpest tool in the shed, said that watching Michael Jackson made him a better basketball player. Huh? And then there was this from the Rev. Al Sharpton: "Those young kids grew up from being teenage, comfortable fans of Michael’s to being 40 years old and being comfortable to vote for a person of color to be president of the United States. Michael did that. Michael made us love each other." Now, Sharpton is an idiot of epic proportion, and he and the truth have not always been on the best of terms, but really? A co-worker heard someone else say - and they weren't kidding - that Jackson was "the greatest figure of love and peace in the history of the world." Sorry, Jesus. You're No. 2 now. But I saved the best for last, and it's once again from Sharpton, who told Jackson's three children that "your daddy wasn't strange." OK, I have to call "shenanigans" on that one. What we had with Jackson was one of THE strangest people to inhabit the Earth during my lifetime. We can debate all day whether he was a child molester. But it's pretty clear that he was a druggie who probably took so much "legal" dope that he killed himself. He also was a guy who was once good-looking and black, and at the end of his life, he was a circus freak who made Clay Aiken look like 50 Cent. And while I give the guy his props as a onetime "King of Pop," those days were long gone. Jackson hadn't been a major player on the music scene for close to 20 years, during which time he became a public joke. Some called him the greatest and most influential artist in the history of popular music, but wouldn't you think the greatest artist ever would have continued to be productive and relevant past the age of 35? And there are plenty of other people - Lennon and McCartney, Buddy Holly, Kurt Cobain, Chuck Berry, Little Richard and Brian Wilson, to name a few - who were every bit as influential. It's sad that Michael Jackson is dead, and that his life since the mid-90s had been a downward spiral. But there's really no one to blame for that but Michael Jackson, and maybe those who raised him and enabled him. Just a sad story with a final act that was way too loud and long.

The state benefits, but do we?

I've been a frequent and consistent critic of the Pennsylvania state store system, and a fresh news release from the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board reinforces my reasons for advocating a free-market, private-enterprise operation. The PLCB announced Tuesday that its liquor stores raked in a record $1.84 billion in the last fiscal year, a figure that included about $495 million in sales tax, liquor tax and profits that was forwarded to the state’s general fund. No one is denying that the PLCB contributes a major chunk of money to state operations, and this year's contribution was a record. But couldn't the same money be generated by privately owned businesses? The liquor taxes would remain in place, as would the sales tax. Perhaps, with lower prices created through competition, those taxes could even be increased slightly without negatively affecting the bottom line for consumers. One would also think that taxes on the businesses running these private wine and liquor stores would offset a significant portion of the $125 million in profits that the state stores generated for the general fund this past fiscal year. And sales might even increase in a free-market system that, presumably, would include more than the 619 stores currently operated by the PLCB. In Washington, we have three liquor stores. The best of the stores is behind Washington Mall, not exactly a prime location. And when I say best, I mean only that its selection is slightly better than the offerings at the two crummy stores on South Main Street and in Tylerdale. The South Main store is now open only three days a week, and its hours of operation are a joke. Ingress and egress from the Tylerdale store are horrible. But the PLCB promises great things ahead. Said PLCB Chairman Patrick Stapleton, "In the next year, our customers will begin to see a renaissance in our retail operations highlighted by vast improvements in the look and feel of our stores and a renewed commitment to customer service and employee education." Does this strike anyone else as comparable to what comes out of the back end of a bull? Of course, these are the same guys who signed a six-figure deal with an outside firm to teach their people to be polite to customers. The news release on Tuesday went on to say that the PLCB has a plan for the coming year that "includes initiatives to improve the customer store experience; enhance training for board employees; boost returns to the state general fund; assure and promote responsible use of alcohol through regulation and education; and take advantage of new technologies." Maybe I missed it, but I sure didn't see anything in the release about better prices, more variety and more convenient hours and locations. I recently conducted an informal e-mail survey of Pennsylvania state senators, asking them whether they would support privatization of the state store system and/or allow the sale of wine and beer in grocery stores and other retail outlets. Most of them ignored me. Some referred my inquiry to my own state senator, who ignored it. But a few responded, and there is some support for privatization. And you might be surprised by this, but it was Republican lawmakers, who sometimes get branded as sticks in the mud, who were more often in favor of the proposals. I know I probably won't live long enough to see these things come to fruition, but I'll keep dreaming.

How will the people of Alaska overcome this devastating loss?

She didn’t come right out and say it, but it appears pretty clear that Sarah Palin, who announced Friday that she’s abandoning her post as Alaska governor in a couple of weeks, grew tired of the actual job she was elected to do and yearned for something brighter and glitzier than the Northern Lights. At a hastily called news conference, and in her typically rambling and disjointed fashion, the “folksy” Palin said it wasn’t fair to the people of Alaska for her to serve as a lame-duck governor. Never mind that every governor, unless he or she dies in office or ascends to another post – or quits on a whim, of course - becomes a lame duck at some point. And would Palin, if elected president someday, serve only until she started feeling lame, or duckish? But, hey, Palin says she needs to shuck off those gubernatorial chains in order to best “fight for all our children’s future.” So, only a little more than halfway into her term, Palin is ditching the people of Alaska and leaving the office to her lieutenant governor. There’s no firm word on what she might do next. If Palin is planning to run against fellow Republican Lisa Murkowski for Murkowski’s U.S. Senate seat next year, then use that position as a springboard toward a 2012 run for the presidency, she’s not saying. But, really, it wouldn’t look good to bail out on the people of your state while admitting that something like that is your master plan. Perhaps she’s just eyeing the 2012 presidential race with no intervening elected position, but if that’s the case, couldn’t she have finished out the rest of her term, still leaving herself with two years to run for the White House? Oh, I forgot, it’s really inconvenient and difficult to keep oneself in the public eye from Wasilla. There’s also the possibility that she’ll turn up with a television talk show, but again, ditching your public-service job to become a talking head on TV doesn’t look very good. Maybe she just wants to travel the country, racking up huge fees for speaking engagements. Again, kind of mercenary. In making her decision to resign, Palin said she asked her kids if they thought she should move on, and she received “four yeses and one ‘Hell, yeah!’” I don’t know if it was baby Trig, or maybe Pyrex, Crater, Storm Window or Catch Basin who chimed in with the “Hell, yeah!” but Palin was wise to seek the kids’ counsel, since they’re probably deeper thinkers than their mother. But heck, maybe that’s the reason. She’s going to spend the next few years soaking up knowledge so that she can be a well-qualified presidential candidate in 2012. Just one problem. It’s like trying to stuff 10 pounds of excrement into a five-pound bag. The capacity is just not there. Palin might have fooled the people of Wasilla and even charmed the people of Alaska with her “aw shucks” manner and “I’m one of you” persona, but when it came time for her to hit a bigger stage, the majority of the people of America, to their credit, didn’t think it was wise to back up an elderly cancer survivor with a woman who displayed the intellectual depth of Ellie May Clampett. For the good of all of us, let’s hope Palin’s resignation is her first step on the path to oblivion.

Teabaggers, Part II

America is on the brink of going to hell in a handbasket. At least that seems to be the opinion of the folks who are staging another "tea party" today on the steps of Washington County Courthouse. As you might recall, the tea party gang's sudden realization that all is not well with this great land of ours and that - OH MY GOD - the government is not spending our tax dollars wisely just happened to coincide with the election of our new president last November and the beat-down of Republican congressional candidates from coast to coast. With every passing day, those on the right seem to be getting angrier and angrier about being in the minority. I was at a party (not of the tea variety) south of the Mason-Dixon line last weekend, and I really thought some of the folks there might be planning another attack on Fort Sumter. The latest tea party here will be hosted by Republican Washington County Commissioner Diana Irey, who will be dispensing pocket versions of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence, just in case you need a refresher. An invitation stated, "As our Country's values, principals (their spelling) and history become increasingly under attack, now is the time to stand up, take action and show your true American colors!" Our history is under attack? Really? And true colors? I'm guessing that for some of the tea bag crowd, the part of our flag they like best is the white part. And, as always, this gang believes they are the only ones in the country who have values. Seems to me that the "values" of the Republican Party were soundly repudiated at ballot boxes nationwide a few months ago. But of course, McCain wasn't a "true Republican." And now the people with the "right" stuff have decided that George W. Bush wasn't really one of them. He was a member in good standing during the initial butt-whipping in Iraq and when he was doling out tax cuts to the wealthy. You couldn't walk through any parking lot without seeing "W" stickers on the backs of gas-guzzling SUVs. But Bush was tossed out like two-week-old leftover Chinese food when the economy went in the crapper. And it's the economy that holds the fate of the tea party gang's political candidates. If we're still mired in a recession in November 2010, you can expect the Republicans to make gains in Congress. But if there's a turnaround under way, their descent into becoming a regional party of the South could be accelerated. If you miss this tea party, I'm guessing you'll get another chance around Labor Day, because what opportunistic political group could pass up a chance to embrace the “Amurrican” working man and woman? And a friend of mine wondered today whether the tea-baggers will anoint Columbus as a Founding Father so they can have a tea party hayride in October. And then there's Christmas. ’Nuff said. So keep your calendars open and a box of Lipton’s finest at the ready.

Stupid, stupid, stupid

I'm guessing that I'm not the only one who has noticed that some crazy, imbecilic stuff goes down in the state of California. Here's the latest: Two elementary schools in Chino had class schedules on Fridays during the past school year that were five to 10 minutes short of what is required under state law. School administrators, afraid they would lose $7 million in attendance funds, had to come up with a plan to make up for the time lost on those 34 short days. Their solution: Spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to reopen the schools this summer and require students to spend 34 more days in classes. Said Amy Nguyen-Hernandez, principal of one of the elementary schools, "We try to be rule followers here, so we'll try to do whatever needs to be done." What needs to be done is for somebody to go to the common sense store and buy some for these idiots. I did a little math (not one of my strong points) and determined that, based on each of the original days in question being, on average, 7.5 minutes short, the youngsters in the two elementary schools missed a total of 4 hours and 15 minutes of required schooling. A person with any grasp on reality would see that the obvious solution (aside from just forgetting about it, for gawd's sake) is to have the kids come in for another half day of classes, feed them lunch and send them on their way. But it seems that didn't occur to anyone in La-La Land. Their solution has proven to be an exercise in futility. One of the schools has a student population of 280, but just 40 to 60 are showing up for the make-up classes. The reason: Final report cards were issued June 7, so there's no way to enforce attendance. Also, the kids aren't exactly digging deeply into their textbooks. One kid told the AP that her class spent a whole week crafting paper airplanes in a study of aerodynamics. And now, state school officials, because of the lack of real classwork and the paltry attendance, are saying that the make-up days might not even count. But there is a lesson here for the kids: Whatever you do, don't grow up to be as stupid as the adults involved in this mess.

Can you believe this?

I commented recently about the case of a Pittsburgh police officer who escaped criminal punishment for allegedly pistol-whipping and wounding a man on the city's South Side. Little did I know that the handling of that case would look like brilliant jurisprudence compared with what went down Tuesday in Chicago. A Chicago police officer who was found guilty of beating the living daylights out of a female bartender half his size got no jail time for the brutal attack. Anthony Abbate, who was off duty in February 2007 when he had a violent confrontation with barmaid Karolina Obrycka, walked away with two years of probation and an order to take anger-management classes. Talk about closing the barn door after the horse escaped. Prosecutors wanted Abbate to do some prison time, but in one of the stupidest statements ever made from the bench, Circuit Judge John Fleming said he saw no aggravating factors that would warrant a prison sentence. Why don't you look at the video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49kgG0s7lVk and decide whether you see any aggravating circumstances. As you'll probably note, the 250-pound police officer, in response to Obrycka trying to remove him from the bar area, throws the 125-pound woman to the ground and holds her by the hair while punching, kneeing and kicking her. We have to assume that seeing a bear of a man opening up a can of whoop-ass on a small woman doesn't offend the judge's sensibilities. Fleming added, "If I believed sentencing Anthony Abbate to prison would stop people from getting drunk and hitting people, I'd give him the maximum sentence." Under Fleming's twisted way of thinking, we should just set murderers free, because clearly sentencing murderers to life in prison or capital punishment hasn't stopped homicides. Abbate, who was admittedly drunk during the confrontation, used the defense that the lady pushed him first. Oh, I see. If a girl pushes you first, it's OK to beat the hell out of her. And defense attorney Peter Hickey had the gall to add, "He's not a bad man; he did something bad." Not a bad man? A good man doesn't beat a woman half his size. No, let me rephrase that. A good man doesn't beat a woman, PERIOD. The police department says it wants to fire Abbate, who has been on unpaid suspension. What do you want to bet that the police union tries to block it?

Still waiting for the real truth

I don't know if you've been following the tall tale of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, vocal Obama critic and potential GOP presidential contender, but it's been a doozy. Sanford up and disappeared from the Palmetto State, leaving pretty much everyone, including lawmakers and even the lieutenant governor, wondering what he was up to. Sanford's staff lied about his whereabouts, trotting out the false story that the governor was hiking the Appalachian Trail. That led to rumors that Sanford might be taking part in a reported "nude hike" on the trail. But wait. Sanford finally turned up today at the Atlanta airport with the news that he had been on an "exotic" junket to Argentina, a trip he claims to have decided to make on the spur of the moment. The only thing Sanford would say about his activities in Argentina was that he alone, driving along the Argentinian coastline around Buenos Aires. Really? The AP reports that the only coastal road in Buenos Aires is all of two miles long. Did Sanford drive back and forth on that same stretch of road, over and over again? Sanford explained his sudden absence by saying he needed to unwind after a contentious legislative session. Democrats, predictably, are mocking him. One, former South Carolina Democratic Chairman Dick Harpootlian, had this to say: "Unless he runs for president of Argentina, I think he has no chance of becoming president. The rest of the country wouldn't have taken him seriously anyway." But even some Republicans were miffed about the governor's mysterious ways. Said state Sen. Jake Knotts, "Lies, lies, lies. That's all we get from his staff. That's all we get from his people. That's all we get from him. Why all the big cover-up?" That's the million-dollar question. And one has to assume that there's more to the story, maybe a lot more, than what we're getting from Sanford.