This and that

A few thoughts on recent stories in the news:

– Did you see the one about sisters Jamie and Gladys Scott, above, being released from prison early when Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour commuted their life sentences for an ambush robbery, provided that one sister gave a kidney to the other? According to an AP story, civil rights activists have been trying to get the sisters sprung for years, arguing that their sentences were excessive. Well, let's see. Back in 1994, the sisters were convicted of luring two men into an ambush in which they were whacked in the head with a shotgun and robbed of their wallets. Some of the Scotts’ supporters noted that the robbery only netted $11. So, because the amount of money wasn’t large, that makes it less of a crime? The people who were robbed could just have easily been killed. Sounds to me as if the original sentences were just fine.

– I had to laugh when I read today that Catholic Archbishop Timothy Dolan of New York wants to step up efforts to make abortions in the city “rare.” What a hypocrite. The Catholic Church refuses to budge on giving its followers the OK to use any form of birth control – other than not “doing it” – then has the gall to say it wants to do more to pare the number of abortions. I'm pretty sure everyone would like the number of abortions performed in New York City and everywhere else to be reduced – to zero, if possible. But if Dolan really means what he says, perhaps he should break ranks with the Vatican and start a program to help people obtain effective birth-control devices and/or pharmaceuticals. But that's never going to happen. In fact, Dolan and other religious leaders with whom he was meeting also took the opportunity to blast public schools for including condom distributions in their sex-education programs. Yeah, we sure wouldn’t want kids who are going to have sex anyway to protect themselves from deadly diseases and also try to prevent pregnancies that might end in ... ABORTIONS.

– I certainly hope that somebody comes forward and offers to pay any fine levied on Russell Miller of Boise, Idaho, because the guy is definitely one of my heroes. The 68-year-old Miller was on board a flight from Las Vegas to Boise, seated next to a 15-year-old boy who was playing games and listening to tunes on his cell phone. As the plane approached Boise, flight attendants announced that people needed to turn off their electronic devices prior to landing. The kid did not follow the instructions, so Miller punched him in the arm. He was arrested on suspicion of misdemeanor battery. It's just a shame he didn't whack the kid a few more times and stomp the heck out of the phone.

– Talk about an overreaction. Greensburg police have charged a 13-year-old middle school boy with a sex crime. His offense: a little necking and petting with a 12-year-old schoolmate after they stole away to a band equipment room during school one day. Police admit that the girl had no problem with the “activities,” but they say that under the law, she is too young to consent. C'mon. It's not as if the band director was in there with the girl. This is one of her classmates, and they were doing what usually comes naturally to young people when puberty strikes. I'm not saying I'm in favor of 12- and 13-year-olds getting "busy" in dark places during schooltime, but running a kid through the juvenile system and perhaps sending him to a detention facility over this is ridiculous. What's next? Are police going to start skulking around darkened movie theaters and high school dances to see if some kid is copping a feel? Wouldn't it be better to just give both of the kids a couple of days' detention and tell them not to do it again?

Let it go, people

It seems to me that way too much is being made of the relocation of a manger scene from the borough building in Canonsburg. As most know by now, the borough manager got a complaint about the religious display on public property. He asked the Knights of Columbus to move their manger to another location, and a business down the street from the borough building was kind enough to play host. From the community's over-reaction, one would have thought that somebody had burned the baby Jesus in effigy. Folks, get a grip. Number one, the religious display had no business being on public property in the first place. Number two, it's still standing, a few doors down from the borough building. Everyone in Canonsburg, if they wish, can erect their own nativity scene on their own front lawns. There can be 20 on every block. But legally, there shouldn't be one on borough property, and borough leaders were wise to avoid an expensive court battle that they assuredly would have lost. I'm a non-believer. Would I have made a stink about the manger scene in front of the borough building? No. I don't think having a nativity scene there put us on the slippery slope toward the borough enacting mandatory Catholic church attendance. In fact, I greatly enjoy the Christmas season. I like the music, the good food, the gatherings with family and friends. On occasion, I've even attended the beautiful Christmas Eve service at my wife's church. Heck, there's a manger scene and a tree decorated with angels and such in my living room. I just don't happen to believe the story behind all the seasonal festivities. At the same time, I don't feel like less of an atheist because I embrace the joys of the Christmas season. But I will say that I'm sick and tired of hearing the crap about the "war on Christmas." There's no danger of Christmas falling by the wayside because a few people assert their rights under the law or because some stores and other entities recognize that, hey, there are some other religions that are equally deserving of respect. This is a nation where all belief systems, no matter how crazy, should be afforded the exact same level of acceptance. Christians are no more worthy of respect and should be given no more say in how our country is run than Muslims. Your selection of which deity to worship affords you no special rights. And as an atheist, I'd like to state, with absolute certainty, that non-Christians have a much better chance of being victimized by a cultural war waged by Christians than vice versa. So if you don't mind, quit whining and enjoy this wonderful time of the year.

These idiots should go to prison

It happens all too often, and the punishment, sadly, rarely fits the crime. It is the premeditated murder of defenseless children who die because their parents try to pray them back to health. The latest such case is on display this week in Philadelphia, where Herbert and Catherine Schaible are on trial for involuntary manslaughter in the death of their 2-year-old son, Kent, who was allowed to suffer for two weeks with bacterial pneumonia while his parents did nothing but pray over him. Of course, the toddler died. These people should definitely be sent to prison. It's just a shame that they aren't being tried for murder, because that's what they're really guilty of. A social worker who testified Wednesday said Herbert Schaible told him, “We tried to fight the devil, but in the end the devil won.” That's just sick. And what’s even sicker is that authorities have allowed the couple to retain custody of several other children. If you truly believe that an invisible demon caused your child to get sick with viral pneumonia and die, you have no business raising any child. If people like the Schaibles had to spend the rest of their days in prison, perhaps this sort of thing would go away. But as it is, authorities and society as a whole give way too much leeway to people like them, just because they claim to be acting on the direction of their God.

Crawling farther under rocks

Our base of knowledge as humans has grown exponentially over the past 2,000 years, but some organized religions are doing their best to continue living in the dark ages. A few recent examples:

– The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, when it comes time to choose a new leader, typically selects the fellow who had been vice president of the group. But not this year. Why? According to church observers, Bishop Gerald Kicanas of Tucson, who held the No. 2 post, was thought to represent the more liberal “social justice” wing of the church. Kicanas, according to a story in the New York Times, has favored dialogue between Catholic liberals and conservatives. The bishops weren't going to have any of that. They broke with tradition and instead chose New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan, who is much more reliably old-old-old-school.

– Southern Baptists in South Carolina voted to approve a resolution this week calling on pastors to do more preaching against homosexuality, while also urging Christians to be compassionate toward gay people. I'm guessing a sermon might go something like this: “The lives you gay people are leading are vile, sickening and horrifying in the eyes of the Lord ... but do join us for punch and cookies in the social hall after today's service."

– This is my favorite one, and I swear that I'm NOT making this up. Those forward-thinking Catholic bishops I mentioned earlier held a conference on how to conduct exorcisms because there just aren't enough priests who know how to perform the rite. Seeing as how this is 2010, not the Middle Ages, I was a bit taken aback by this. Leaders in the Catholic Church, in the 21st freakin' century, still believe that people can be possessed by the devil or some other assorted demon. How 1452 of them. My first inclination is to laugh at them, if this weren't so sad.

This and that

– A few days back, some of you might have seen a North Carolina sheriff pleading with law enforcement officers across the country to be on the lookout for his 23-year-old daughter's killer. It seemed pretty cut and dried. The guy in question is a convicted sex offender and all-around scumbag. The girl was described by her father as "perfect." But now you have to wonder. The suspect, Michael Harvey, claims that while he panicked and stuffed Valerie Hamilton’s body in a storage unit, he didn’t kill her. Instead, he says Hamilton, shown above, overdosed when they both took heroin, and she was dead beside him when he woke up the next morning. Add to that the fact that police said medical examiners found evidence of drug use, that it appears Hamilton left a bar of her own free will with Harvey, and that there were no outward signs of violence on the young woman’s body, and you have to begin to wonder if the guy might be telling the truth. Toxicology tests will most likely tell the tale in this case. It just goes to show that initial impressions in a criminal investigation can be dead wrong. The cops might get Harvey for providing the drugs that killed the woman, but the real blame for her death, if it was an overdose, lies with her poor decision-making.

– A school district in central Pennsylvania is engaged in a dispute with the mother of one of its students. Janet Malin wants Lampeter-Strasburg School District to exempt her son from its random drug-testing policy, with which the boy must comply in order to get a permit to park on campus. The woman’s reasoning? According to an AP story, the mother says her boy was raised in the Quaker faith, which “requires him to be truthful and obey society’s laws.” I’ve got two words for Ms. Malin: Richard Nixon. Nixon was a Quaker, and he was one helluva liar. Case closed. Verdict for the school district.

– The latest case of official stupidity came out of a New Jersey school district this week. It seems a fifth-grader who found a cigarette lighter on his way to school has been suspended because the lighter was considered a threat to student safety. I kid you not. Never mind that the 11-year-old never even tried to flick the Bic. The idiot school superintendent said the district considers something a weapon if it “has the potential to cause harm.” Guess what? Being exposed to dim bulbs like the school officials in that district pose a greater threat to students than an unlit lighter ever could.

Religious hatred behind mosque opposition

A group started by noted hatemonger Pat Robertson (the story I saw called it a “conservative” group; doesn’t that go without saying?) has filed a lawsuit in what will no doubt be a long, expensive, but ultimately fruitless, attempt to stop the construction of an Islamic center a couple of blocks from Ground Zero. The action comes after the New York City Landmarks Preservation Committee unanimously refused to block demolition of a 152-year-old building that stands in the way of the project. Those proposing to build the Cordoba Mosque have made it very clear that their goal is to foster peace and understanding between Islam and people of other faiths. That didn’t stop one goofball at the committee’s hearing from holding up a sign that said, “Don’t glorify the murders of 3,000. No 9/11 victory mosque.” And Rick Lazio, a former Republican congressman now running for governor of New York, took the opportunity to do a little demagogueing, accusing the Islamic group’s imam, Feisal Abdul Rauf, of being buddy-buddy with terrorists. He noted a “60 Minutes” interview in the wake of 9/11 in which Rauf said the attacks were in some part sparked by U.S. policies in the Middle East. Of course they were. Does anybody really doubt that the United States’ constant support of Israel against any other interests in that region just might have fostered some anger and resentment? One question I have for mosque opponents is this: Exactly how far must a mosque be from Ground Zero? Is is four blocks? Six? Eight? The distance from Ground Zero really isn’t the issue. It’s the hatred by many people of all things Muslim because of the actions of a militant, violent fringe of that religion. As an online poster noted recently on the O-R website, these folks won’t be calling for a ban on Catholic churches near grade schools because some priests raped children. Apparently, the central argument that will be made in the Robertson group’s lawsuit is that the landmarks panel “acted arbitrarily and abused its discretion.” No, it didn’t. It acted dispassionately, rationally and intelligently. The mosque opponents should give that a try sometime.

Open mouth, switch feet

In the world of clumsy public relations moves and tone-deaf pronouncements, the Catholic Church has few peers. That was evidenced again the other day when the Vatican issued new rules regarding sex abuse by members of the clergy (which, by the way, were weaker than those imposed by U.S. bishops) and decided that would be a good time to also announce that the category of “grave crimes,” such as sex abuse of little kids, would also include any attempt to ordain women. Those within the Catholic Church who think women should maybe be treated as men’s equals were none too pleased with the synchronicity. The next day, the Vatican trotted out an official to say that the Holy See had not intended to equate ordination of women with child rape. Gotcha. About the same time, I saw an AP story noting that the Vatican was 13 years late – yes, 13 years – in submitting a report on child rights that is required of all entities that signed on to the United Nations’ 1989 Convention on the Rights of the Child. The chairman of the panel charged with implementing the convention has made repeated attempts to get the Vatican to submit its report, with no success. Last September, Vatican representative Hubertus Matheus Van Megen told the U.N. that the needed document was being “finalized as we speak.” Apparently, the word “finalize” has a different meaning in Europe. But maybe the reason for the delay is this: Van Megan said the Vatican planned to include a paragraph about “the problem of child abuse by Catholic Clergy.” A whole paragraph?!?!?!? Who says they don’t take this stuff seriously?

This and that

A few thoughts on stories in the news:

– I'm not one of those atheists who thinks "In God We Trust" should be removed from our money or that we should start reworking the Pledge of Allegiance, but I think a Fargo man has a point in his license plate dispute with the North Dakota Department of Transportation. Brian Magee is appealing a decision by the department’s Motor Vehicle Division to refuse his request for a license plate reading “ISNOGOD.” In his appeal, Magee notes that the state has allowed plates reading “PRZZGOD,” “ILOVGOD” and “TRI GOD,” among others. Magee’s views are no less valid than the ones expressed on the religious plates. The state should either issue Magee the plate he has requested or recall all the ones expressing religious sentiments. Fair is fair.

– After months of doing nothing, Wal-Mart finally agreed to pull a whole line of Miley Cyrus-brand necklaces and bracelets from its stores because of the health hazard they posed. The retailing giant had known since February, based on testing conducted at the behest of the Associated Press, that the jewelry contained high levels of cadmium, a known carcinogen that also has been linked to bone softening, kidney failure and negative effects on brain development in children. The AP quoted Wal-Mart as claiming that while the jewelry was not intended for kids, “it is possible that a few younger consumers may seek it out in stores.” Not intended for kids? C'mon. It's cheap jewelry branded with the name of a young star of the kids show "Hannah Montana.” This whole story is black eye for Wal-Mart.

– Some of you might remember the name Anthony Hauser. He's the Minnesota man whose teenage son, Daniel, went on the lam last year rather than have traditional medical treatment for cancer. His family favored a nuts and berries approach to curing the illness, but Daniel eventually underwent chemotherapy and reportedly is doing well. Now it’s Anthony Hauser who is fighting what is described as a rare, aggressive form of leukemia, and while he's currently relying on a dietary treatment, he won't rule out having chemotherapy, if needed. My guess is that it most certainly will be needed, if the elder Hauser wants to save his own skin, and it seems that he's a lot less resistant to conventional medicine now that it's his butt in a sling. The Hauser family also notes that it's suffering “severe financial hardships” because Anthony Hauser hasn’t been able to work much. The next sentence in the AP story was the one that caught my attention. It notes that Anthony Hauser and his wife recently had their ninth child. The Hausers certainly have the right to be fruitful and multiply, but when you make the decision to have nine kids, I think you forfeit the right to whine about financial troubles.

– If you needed any more evidence that your state government is out of control, here it is. An AP story this morning noted that the governor is disbanding a special unit within the state Department of Transportation whose sole task is to push through paperwork to help state lawmakers curry favor with voters. The unit came to light through the investigation into the legislative corruption scandal. A spokesman for Gov. Ed Rendell says the 35 workers in the unit are being reassigned within PennDOT, and PennDOT will continue to help lawmakers with their special requests. Let me get this straight. Every one of these unnecessary jobs is being preserved, and the agency will still be doing the lawmakers’ busy work? This is asinine. And wasteful. But it gets worse. The report from the panel doing the legislative investigation also noted that the House Democratic and Republican caucuses spend nearly $1 million a year to employ dozens of people who work to, in the words of the AP, “expedite processing of mostly routine PennDOT paperwork for businesses and other constituents.” It's time that our state lawmakers quit spending their time figuring out ways to pander to voters in order to get re-elected and start doing their real duty. And their main duty, really the only one that is constitutionally mandated, is to produce a budget by June 30. I don't think I'm going to hold my breath on that one. There's a stench in Harrisburg, and the more we learn, the smell just gets worse and worse.

Is that the bunt sign, or is Coach crossing himself?

There’s plenty of praying in baseball. Any time a pitcher faces Albert Pujols with the bases loaded, you can bet he’s praying to somebody. But that’s a personal, private matter. Kids on a Little League team in Oregon didn’t have a choice. But one parent had the guts to say something about it. The AP reports that Mike Miles pulled his 10-year-old daughter off the team and complained to league officials that the coach, Chris Palmer, forced religion on the children by leading prayers and quoting Scripture before games. The response of Medford National Little League was to keep Palmer as coach of the Indians team and kick Miles off its board of directors. Now there‘s religious tolerance for you. Said Miles, who once was an assistant coach for Palmer, “All I wanted was for my daughter to sign up and play baseball this spring, not to have religion shoved down her throat. There’s a time and place for prayer, and baseball isn’t it.” Well said, Mr. Miles. Palmer tried to explain that the prayers were “not a religious tool” and were simply designed to “calm the team down, focus them and bring them together in unity.” Really? What it sounds like to me is, well, what comes out of the back end of a bull. Prayer is not a religious tool? Since when? Palmer also claimed that no one was forced to join in the prayers. Again, really? Do you remember being 10 years old? No 10-year-old kid wants to be the “different” one who turns his back on the prayer, or walks out of the dugout or complains. Palmer had what amounted to a captive audience for his religious show. And it’s just wrong. For one thing, it’s wrong to put a kid in the position of participating in one sort of prayer when his family might practice another religion, or none at all. Maybe next year, the Medford league should scrap the name Indians and call the team the God Squad. At least then, parents would know what to expect.

This and that

A few subjects from the past week:

– After Ted Haggard, Sen. Larry Craig, Rep. Mark Foley and many more, we really shouldn't be too surprised when anti-gay ministers, activists and politicians find themselves in "interesting” positions, but a new story out of Florida is just too funny not to mention. The Miami New Times reports that George Alan Rekers, a co-founder of the Family Research Council and author of the book “Growing Up Straight: What Families Should Know About Homosexuality,” was spotted at an airport returning from a 10-day trip to London and Madrid with a young male prostitute. The escort, “Lucien,” described himself on the website rentboy.com as “sensual, wild and up for anything.” But Rekers said he didn't hire the young man for any of that gay sex stuff. No, siree. He explained to the newspaper that he was recovering from surgery and couldn’t lift luggage. Hence, the hiring of the young Puerto Rican gentleman. I guess tipping a porter or a bellhop just wouldn't do. Rekers, by the way, was supposedly pushing his and the young man’s suitcases when seen at the airport. But maybe that caused his condition to flare up, because Miami New Times reports that since that London-Madrid getaway, Rekers has reportedly e-mailed “Lucien” about a future trip to Rome. Apparently, the young fellow did a bang-up job of handling Rekers’ bag. Rekers’ name, by the way, has now been removed from the Family Research Council’s Internet site.

– I'm an “American Idol” fan, but I usually DVR the "results show” and watch it later so I can zip through not only the commercials but some of the “special” performances of current music stars that are part of the program. I wish I had not been subjected to last week’s offering by Lady Gaga, but the missus is a fan, so I unfortunately had to witness Ms. Gaga performing her new single, “Alejandro.” Mere words can hardly explain this entertainment spectacular. There were some half-naked men jumping about as if they had been Tasered at a Philadelphia Phillies game, and Ms. Gaga, herself, looked as if she had become entangled in a combination of giant spider webs, fish nets and a few of my late grandmother’s doilies. As for the "music,” I can only say that it would have been perfect for use as psychological torture against Guantanamo Bay detainees. And it went on, and on, and on. But it didn't go on long enough to suit Ms. Gaga, who reportedly was miffed that only about five minutes of her display was aired. I couldn't imagine sitting through any more of it, but I guess we missed something. And for that, I thank the producers of "American Idol.”

– I have long been of the opinion that our children are overscheduled. They have too many activities and not enough down time. But some high school football coaches want to make it even worse. A group of high school coaches met last week with Pitt coach Dave Wannstedt and his Penn State counterpart, Joe Paterno. And one purpose of the meeting was to win the college coaches’ support for allowing spring football practices for high school teams in Pennsylvania. Is it not enough that high school football players have to begin practice weeks before the start of the school year? Or that they put in hour upon hour upon hour of practice during the season? This is ridiculous. The kids are already making enough of a commitment of their time and effort to this sport. And what about those who might like to play a different sport in the spring? Are they just out of luck? Enough is enough.

Double dose of dumbness

If anybody still doubts that the Christian right wing is filled with more than its share of haters, here are a couple of fresh examples:

Mike Huckabee, who ran for the Republican presidential nomination in 2008 and is likely to seek it again two years from now, says that support of gay marriage is akin to legalizing incest, polygamy and drug use. I could argue that comparing Mike Huckabee to a decent human being is like comparing monkey dung to New York strip steak, but I digress. I'm guessing that Huckabee is not a stupid man, though he hasn't gone out of his way to answer whether he believes the Earth is only a few thousand years old. So, I'm left with the explanation that Huckabee is deliberately acting like an idiot. Huckabee recently told The Perspective, a news magazine at the College of New Jersey, that the country shouldn’t try to accommodate every group’s interests. Then he offered this bit of genius: “That would be like saying, well, there’s lots of people who like to use drugs, so let’s go ahead and accommodate those who want to use drugs. There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them. There are people who believe in polygamy, should we accommodate them?” The big point that Huckabee misses here – no doubt on purpose – is that people choose to engage in incest, polygamy and drug-taking. But gay people are born gay. Anyone who doesn't believe that is clearly delusional, and there's really no point trying to argue with them. Stupid is stupid. And I don’t expect anything less from Huckabee, who once came out in favor of isolating AIDS sufferers from the rest of the population. Detention camps, anyone? When it comes to gay marriage, I don't think the terminology is really all that important. Don't want to call it marriage? Well then, how about just giving gay couples each and every right now enjoyed by heterosexual couples, with the provision that churches that aren’t interested in taking part won’t be forced to handle the weddings or civil union ceremonies, or whatever you want to call them. I'm still waiting for a good answer on why this shouldn’t happen, immediately.

•••

Just when I thought that Huckabee's remarks would be the dopiest thing I saw this week, a friend passed on to me an item from the Huffington Post about a statement made by Bryan Fischer, who is described as the “director of issues analysis” for the American Family Association. Fischer is saying that Muslims now living in the United States should be shipped back to Muslim lands, “where they can live in a culture that shares their values, a place where they can once again be at home, surrounded by people who cherish their deeply held ideals.“ Wowzers. This guy makes Huckabee sound like Desmond Tutu. Has Fischer somehow blocked from his mind that we are a nation of immigrants, made up of people who came here with different beliefs and cultures? Has he forgotten that we are a nation that prides itself on freedom of religion? But it gets worse. Fischer goes on to say that Muslims living here who have not yet become citizens should be automatically denied naturalization, and that our country can “use the money we would otherwise spend on their welfare, their education, their medical care and their incarceration to graciously assist them in returning to their countries of origin.“ Fischer does, however, make an exception. He says Muslims who accept Christianity and renounce their faith, Allah, Mohammed and the Koran could be welcomed as “good Christians“ and “true Americans.” If Fischer is an example of a good Christian and a true American, then I feel sorry for the Christian faith and America in general. Fortunately, that's not the case. I typically don't revel in others’ misfortune, but in this instance, it wouldn’t sadden me greatly if I learned that someone “graciously assisted” Fischer, a raging bigot, in falling down a long flight of stairs. And perhaps the American Indians should pick up on Fischer’s idea and boot out all the descendants of the violent immigrants who brought their strange religions with them and terrorized the Indians centuries ago. Granted, that’s a bit unwieldy. Let's start with a smaller plan, one that calls for Huckabee and Fischer to find another place to live. America would instantly become a better country.

Shooting the messenger

Is the pope beyond criticism? It's a question that bears asking after the virulent attacks by those associated with the Vatican against media and others who questioned the actions by the church and, particularly, Pope Benedict XVI in handling past incidents of child molestation by Catholic priests. Recent news reports might not provide the absolute "smoking gun" to show that Benedict was personally involved in a coverup of the sexual abuse cases, or at the very least of incompetence through inattention, but some of those guns seem very, very, very hot to the touch. The responses by those connected with the Vatican and Benedict paint a picture of some sort of anti-Catholic plot that really doesn't exist. And some of the statements defending them are ridiculous. On Tuesday, Italian Cardinal Giovanni Lajolo, an official of the Holy See, claimed Benedict and the church are targets of a hate campaign, and Spanish Cardinal Julian Herranz, leader of a Vatican discipline commission, says Benedict has become a target because of his opposition to abortion and same-sex marriage. The most unhinged remarks came from Benedict’s personal preacher, who likened criticism of the pope to the historic suffering of the Jewish people. All of these defenses seem to have the same goal: to launch a potentially chilling attack aimed at quieting those who would do no more than seek the truth in these cases while pointing out that the man holding the most powerful religious position in the world, during his years before assuming that post, might not have done all he could or, worse, deliberately looked the other way when rapes and other sex crimes were being committed against children. One would think that rank-and-file Catholics, as well as church leaders, would want answers. But very often, the response seems to be to blame those who raise the questions.

He is not here ...

Wishing a happy Easter to my Christian friends. May you have a blessed, glorious day.

Really, was this necessary?

Those who know me recognize that I'm not a religious person. In fact, I often point out the failures and hypocrisy of religious organizations. But it really rubbed me the wrong way when I read in Rob Owen’s “Tuned In” column in the Post-Gazette that WPXI television in Pittsburgh is booting from Channel 11 a Catholic Mass that has been broadcast on that station for decades on Sunday mornings. Owen reported that the program will be shifted to the over-the-air RTV channel and WPXI’s cable station, PCNC. But anyone who gets their television signals via a satellite dish won’t be able to see the Mass. The reason for the change, according to WPXI, is that it will allow the station to begin its Sunday morning newscast at 5:30 a.m. rather than 7 a.m., in order to directly compete with WTAE’s morning news program. Here was the explanation offered by WPXI program director Mark Barash: “We were feeling like there was an audience looking for news on Sunday mornings, and our viewers were kind of saying, ‘Where’s your newscast?’ and we didn’t have one.” Yes, Mr. Barash, you did have one. It started at 7 a.m. Does he really expect us to believe that the station was being inundated with calls from people saying, “Dammit, I got up at 5:30 a.m., and you people didn’t have a rehash of yesterday’s news and video from a couple of overnight car crashes!” I'm not buying it. I don't know this for a fact, but I'm willing to entertain the notion that ratings and money somehow enter into this equation. And the needs of shut-ins and others who faithfully watched the broadcasts of the Masses? Hmmm, maybe not so much.

How much fuzz is too much fuzz?

Some people are easily offended. I'm not one of the them, but I understand that some folks have different sensibilities than I. That said, I think it's a bit much that Lamar Advertising in Colorado Springs, Colo., has rejected proposed bus stop advertising posters for a production of the Tony-winning musical “Avenue Q” because a puppet was showing a bit too much, um, skin. That's right. Excessive puppet cleavage is the given reason why the posters cannot be used. Jeff Moore, a Lamar account executive, says his company takes a conservative approach in politically conservative Colorado Springs, which is home base for some conservative Christian groups, including Jim Dobson’s gay-hating Focus on the Family. I saw “Avenue Q” in Pittsburgh a few years back. It’s a highly entertaining show, but it is definitely not for those who are against swearing, gay people and sex in general. However, it boggles the mind to think that anyone could get the vapors over a puppet wearing a revealing dress. Remind me to cross Colorado Springs off my potential vacation spots.

The holy hotline

There's an old saying that a fool and his money are soon parted. Now, I'm not claiming that those who avail themselves of a new telephone service are fools, but they'll definitely be parting with some of their money. A group of businessmen has created what it calls the Bless Me Network, which it describes in a press release as a "service that allows people of the Christian faith to call a toll-free number and speak with members of the clergy. Just one catch. Once you call the toll-free number, if you want to actually talk with a priest or a preacher, you'll have to ante up $1.99 for the first minute and 99 cents for each additional minute. John Adams, the chief operating officer of the outfit, says the Bless Me Network provides "affordable faith-based counseling with a level of convenience and confidentiality that has never existed before.” The network says it will give more than 50 percent of its earnings to clergy, church, charity and humanitarian aid over the next five years. Anyone want to bet that it'll be 50.1 percent? And do they pocket all of the money after five years? I don't know. But here's the interesting part: the network expects those charitable donations to exceed $200 million dollars over the five-year period. So that suggests to me that their take will also be pretty close to $200 million. Not a bad little business venture. I suppose that if you're having some crisis of faith or other spiritual emergency at 4 a.m., this might be helpful. But if your problem is such that you need to call a man or woman of the cloth in the wee hours, it's probably pretty darned serious, and it might take quite a while to work it out. If we're talking a half hour, that's $30.70 on your next phone bill. Maybe it's just me, but it seems like there's a risk that some really troubled people who aren't the sharpest tools in the shed might get taken advantage of. And there are plenty of people who can talk with folks about these kinds of spiritual and personal problems. They're the ministers and priests who live right here in our own communities. I'm not a religious person, but I know several pastors in our area who would be very helpful to talk with if I needed their input, and they wouldn't send me a bill. And I'm sure there are many more very caring, effective members of the clergy with whom I am not personally acquainted. I do want to thank the Bless Me Network for indirectly leading me to a business idea. While doing a little research before posting this item, I ran across a Wikipedia entry on religion in the United States. It cited a study that found the number of people in this country claiming no religious identification (atheists, agnostics, humanists, deists, etc.) rose from an estimated 14.3 million in 1990 to 34.2 million in 2008, which translates to a jump from 8 percent of the population in 1990 to 15 percent in 2008. So, coming soon to a phone near you: "Talk to a Heathen." I'm telling you, it's catching on.

Haven't the Haitians suffered enough?

To his credit, actor John Travolta used his own Boeing 707 jetliner to take relief supplies and doctors to earthquake-ravaged Haiti. Unfortunately, he also "gifted" the Haitian people with "ministers" from the Church of Scientology. If those ministers are hauling rubble and tending to the injured, that's one thing. But I've got a problem with it if their intention is to proselytize for their "religion" during this terrible time for the island nation. What are they going to do, hook up devastated Haitian people to their little auditing meters – which I'm convinced are just repurposed Milton Bradley "Operation" games – and make their troubles float away? Again, the supplies and doctors were a great gesture. The ministers? Not so much.

That old-time extremism

In this country, we often hear about "Muslim extremists," but I don't hear anyone complaining about the Christian extremists in our midst. One such bunch appears to be operating in Westmoreland County. It seems the pastor of Christian Fellowship Center of Greensburg has gone to county court to seek an order upholding a vote by the church board to expel two church elders. One of the elders reportedly was argumentative and had a poor attendance record at church functions. OK, that's understandable. The second, however, was voted out because he, um, failed to speak in tongues. For the uninitiated, speaking in tongues involves spewing made-up gibberish, supposedly through the power of the Holy Spirit, and, according to an AP story, it displays what some churches consider to be “necessary evidence of one’s faith.” I don't know if you’ve ever seen anyone speaking in tongues, but it makes the Jodie Foster character in the movie “Nell” sound like Sir Laurence Olivier. Hearing about this legal action brought to mind something even scarier, the hellishly frightening 2006 documentary “Jesus Camp,” in which children essentially were tortured into buying into the charms of Pentacostal/charismatic Christianity. To get an idea of the film’s contents, take a look at this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LACyLTsH4ac. Involving young children in this sort of twisted indoctrination amounts to mental crucifixion and child abuse. If Muslim parents gathered their children together at such a camp and treated them in this fashion, badgering them to fight for the views of their God, there are a lot of folks in this country – selling a different brand of faith – who would accuse them of sowing the seeds of jihad and probably attempt to have the kids taken from them. This is just a reminder that extremism is bad, no matter who or what is being worshipped. And if you’re not sickened by what you saw in the video clip, there’s really something wrong with you.

Just shut up

For anyone who isn't aware, televangelist Pat Robertson is a dumbass of the lowest order. His latest pronouncement from Mt. Dunderhead is that the earthquake in Haiti was somehow linked to activities by local residents a couple of hundred years ago. Here's what dipstick said on his “700 Club” program Wednesday: "(The Haitians) were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, ‘We will serve you if you will get us free from the French.’ True story. And so, the devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal.’” I'm not sure where old Pat is getting his info on this so-called deal. Maybe the Port-au-Prince Examiner had a reporter on the scene. Robertson has a long history of making stupid statements after disasters, natural or otherwise. He has linked everything from Hurricane Katrina to 9/11 to the near-deadly stroke suffered by Israeli leader Ariel Sharon on activities that hacked off God - like people being gay and such. I'm not sure how long the Big Guy has been unleashing wrath on innocent folks because of the supposed misdeeds of small groups of people within the population or, in Haiti's case, their forefathers. Maybe the 1974 tornado that leveled Xenia, Ohio, and killed about three dozen people was retribution for some guy skipping church to play golf. Or maybe God only recently returned to Old Testament-style smiting. We'll have to ask Pat about that. I have a few other questions. When a child dies of cancer, is that punishment for something that somebody did somewhere? Why does God allow people like Pat Robertson, Oral Roberts and Jerry Falwell to bring ridicule upon the Christian faith? And why does Pat Robertson think his religion is any more valid or grounded in reality than Haitian voodoo? There's certainly no evidence to back that up. Falwell and Roberts are dead. It's not going to be a great loss to humanity when Robertson joins them.

The not-good-enough book

I'm an atheist, but I'm fairly well-versed on the Bible, and it just never occurred to me that the most popular versions of the book are nothing but socialist tracts. Boy was I wrong. So says the Conservative Bible Project, which is heading up an online effort by "regular folks" to rewrite the Bible in order to get out all that liberal stuff. The effort is being led by Andy Schlafly, who founded Conservapedia,com, where the butchering, I mean rewriting, of the Bible is taking place. And if his last name rings a bell, yes, he’s the son of the old conservative warhorse Phyllis Schlafly, who is perhaps best known for fighting against equal rights for women. Andy Schlafly, shown above left, tells the AP, “Professors are the most liberal group of people in the world, and it’s professors who are doing the popular modern translations of the Bible." Of course, people who actually know a lot about the Bible and biblical translations think he's full of frankincense and myrrh, among other things. Timothy Paul Jones, a self-described theological conservative who is a professor at Southern Baptist (those damn liberals) Theological Seminary in Louisville, Ky., had this to say about Schlafly’s crusade: "This is not making scripture understandable to people today, it’s reworking scripture to support a particular political or social agenda.” But Schlafly isn’t fooled by those theological conservatives. He says that's not the same thing as being "politically conservative." So, by his own words, Schlafly is making it clear that this is all about politics. For one thing, conservatives don't apologize, even if they’re responsible for a really big boner like the Iraq war. And to reflect the might-makes-right-and-we're-never-wrong approach, the Conservative Bible Project is rewriting the Gospel of Luke to excise the part where Jesus says of his killers: "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." The lesson here: Forgiveness is for pansies. Here, courtesy of the AP, are a few other passages that are getting a raping, I mean makeover:

LUKE 10:21

King James version: In that hour, Jesus rejoiced in spirit and said, “I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes; even so, Father; for so it seemed good in thy sight.

Conservative Bible Project: With that, Jesus rejoiced, "I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for withholding Truth from the intellectuals while revealing it to common man, as this pleased You."

In other words, don’t give information to smart people who might want to think for themselves. Reveal it only to mindless sheep.

PHILEMON 3

King James: Grace to you, and peace, from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Conservative Bible Project: God’s grace to you, and peace of mind, from our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

We certainly wouldn’t want to encourage a concept like peace, but peace of mind comes in really handy if you want to sleep well after trying to screw over people who aren’t like you.

JUDE 7

King James: Even as Sodom and Gomorrah, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire.

Conservative Bible Project: Furthermore, Sodom and Gomorrah, and the cities around them whose people also gave themselves over to sensuality, and homosexuality and bestiality, were made examples of, and suffered the vengeance of eternal fire.

Yes, let’s make sure that the verse clearly bashes gay people and equates them with folks who hump goats.

ACTS 2:44

King James: And all that believed were together, and had all things common.

Conservative Bible Project: Everyone who believed was together and shared values, faith and the truth.

Because only this particular group of mouth-breathing dimwits could possibly know the truth, and they want to make sure that their Christian soldiers remember to uphold important values such as divisiveness, celebrating stupidity and hatred.

Schlafly's defense of this dumbing down and bastardization of the Bible is that “the best of the public is better than a group of experts.” Really? Really??? Because I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that Schlafly’s band of merry men (don't know if women are allowed to participate) probably aren't the cream of the crop when it comes to things like rational thought. And I'm also guessing that the Jesus portrayed in the "regular" Bible would be sickened by these jackasses. I'm not sure what this group will turn its attention to next. However, I'm hearing rumors that they’re working on eyeglasses that will be soothing to ultra-conservatives by allowing them to look at President Obama and see a rich white guy.