Thursday, December 3, 2009

The not-good-enough book



I'm an atheist, but I'm fairly well-versed on the Bible, and it just never occurred to me that the most popular versions of the book are nothing but socialist tracts. Boy was I wrong. So says the Conservative Bible Project, which is heading up an online effort by "regular folks" to rewrite the Bible in order to get out all that liberal stuff. The effort is being led by Andy Schlafly, who founded Conservapedia,com, where the butchering, I mean rewriting, of the Bible is taking place. And if his last name rings a bell, yes, he’s the son of the old conservative warhorse Phyllis Schlafly, who is perhaps best known for fighting against equal rights for women. Andy Schlafly, shown above left, tells the AP, “Professors are the most liberal group of people in the world, and it’s professors who are doing the popular modern translations of the Bible." Of course, people who actually know a lot about the Bible and biblical translations think he's full of frankincense and myrrh, among other things. Timothy Paul Jones, a self-described theological conservative who is a professor at Southern Baptist (those damn liberals) Theological Seminary in Louisville, Ky., had this to say about Schlafly’s crusade: "This is not making scripture understandable to people today, it’s reworking scripture to support a particular political or social agenda.” But Schlafly isn’t fooled by those theological conservatives. He says that's not the same thing as being "politically conservative." So, by his own words, Schlafly is making it clear that this is all about politics. For one thing, conservatives don't apologize, even if they’re responsible for a really big boner like the Iraq war. And to reflect the might-makes-right-and-we're-never-wrong approach, the Conservative Bible Project is rewriting the Gospel of Luke to excise the part where Jesus says of his killers: "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." The lesson here: Forgiveness is for pansies. Here, courtesy of the AP, are a few other passages that are getting a raping, I mean makeover:

LUKE 10:21

King James version: In that hour, Jesus rejoiced in spirit and said, “I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes; even so, Father; for so it seemed good in thy sight.

Conservative Bible Project: With that, Jesus rejoiced, "I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for withholding Truth from the intellectuals while revealing it to common man, as this pleased You."

In other words, don’t give information to smart people who might want to think for themselves. Reveal it only to mindless sheep.

PHILEMON 3

King James: Grace to you, and peace, from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Conservative Bible Project: God’s grace to you, and peace of mind, from our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

We certainly wouldn’t want to encourage a concept like peace, but peace of mind comes in really handy if you want to sleep well after trying to screw over people who aren’t like you.

JUDE 7

King James: Even as Sodom and Gomorrah, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire.

Conservative Bible Project: Furthermore, Sodom and Gomorrah, and the cities around them whose people also gave themselves over to sensuality, and homosexuality and bestiality, were made examples of, and suffered the vengeance of eternal fire.

Yes, let’s make sure that the verse clearly bashes gay people and equates them with folks who hump goats.

ACTS 2:44

King James: And all that believed were together, and had all things common.

Conservative Bible Project: Everyone who believed was together and shared values, faith and the truth.

Because only this particular group of mouth-breathing dimwits could possibly know the truth, and they want to make sure that their Christian soldiers remember to uphold important values such as divisiveness, celebrating stupidity and hatred.

Schlafly's defense of this dumbing down and bastardization of the Bible is that “the best of the public is better than a group of experts.” Really? Really??? Because I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that Schlafly’s band of merry men (don't know if women are allowed to participate) probably aren't the cream of the crop when it comes to things like rational thought. And I'm also guessing that the Jesus portrayed in the "regular" Bible would be sickened by these jackasses. I'm not sure what this group will turn its attention to next. However, I'm hearing rumors that they’re working on eyeglasses that will be soothing to ultra-conservatives by allowing them to look at President Obama and see a rich white guy.

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17 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

People have a tendency to pick and choose what they want to believe in the Bible, but this is taking it to a whole new level -- excising entirely the parts that might not jibe with their worldview.

Also, the anti-intellectualism that runs through this whole project is pretty eye-opening.

--Brad Hundt

December 3, 2009 at 1:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, the Bible has been been butchered for 1,400 years -- why stop now? This reminds me of the effort of one guy to put swearing into the Bible because Jesus hung out with fisherman, and "longshoremen are some of the foulest mouthed people on earth." Makes me wonder if the Mafia wasn't behind picking what books are in the Bible. Let's not forget that during the time of Henry VIII, putting the Bible into the hands of common people -- not the intellectuals -- was the sin. Good thing burning at the stake isn't popular any more.

December 3, 2009 at 1:35 PM  
Blogger {cher} said...

I actually "LOL"'ed while reading this. I can't even describe my feelings about this because it's just ridiculous. Great post!

December 3, 2009 at 2:11 PM  
Anonymous Boboki said...

As a deist, I fully believe in God, but that load of pigs wallow called The Bible needs to up and burn. Full of nothing but hate, contradictions, and BAD BAD BAD morals, I cannot imagine why the current incarnation of Christians would even want to claim it. I understand they want to do away with 99.9999% of the OT, keep the 10 commandments... well maybe 6 of them, and the gays are bad line, but the rest is an embarrassment.

Christians, you do not have to actually buy the rape and murder everything and zombie christ books to love, cherish, and have a relationship with God. Common sense and reason does not destroy God, only when you include that atrocity of a book does it do that.

If it was good enough for most the founding fathers, it is probably ok for you.

December 3, 2009 at 3:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Scary isn't it? It's been going on since those sheep herders made it up in the first place. Kings, Popes, monks, those in power rewrite and reinvent it.

December 3, 2009 at 3:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder if these morons intend to take a stab at Revelation? They may want to start with this:

Revelation 22: 18, 19

(18) For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this
book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the
plagues that are written in this book:
(19) And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy,
God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city,
and from the things which are written in this book.

That could really get in the way of "buy in". Then again, anyone who would consider buying in to this likely can't read anyway - so - whatever.

December 3, 2009 at 4:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The biggest problem they have is that Jesus is a liberal.

December 3, 2009 at 4:53 PM  
Blogger Zach said...

Their perversion of Matthew 5:39-41 is particularly manipulative, justifying war and violence, but only in extreme cases. This, despite the fact that Jesus clearly preached peace. These types of people make me sick and ashamed to be called Christian. I would like to extend my deepest regrets to any of you who are troubled by this madness. I assure you, it is no reflection on what our Savior actually taught, preached, or stood for.

December 3, 2009 at 6:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ironically, King James Bible which this article promotes as some kind of original (against which the "conservative" version is compared) is protestant rather than orthodox (Protestants removed some sections which seemed to them 'inconvenient') - which makes this article misleading, not to mention those retarded evangelists calling themselves 'conservative'!

...the only authentic, complete, orthodox & conservative bible is the Catholic Bible.

Everything else is not real Christianity. (King James Version is Protestant & the so called "conservative" is some tele-evangelical mumbo jumbo probably financed by Satan himself :)

MS

December 3, 2009 at 7:58 PM  
Blogger PRIguy said...

I'm a conservative, and this "translation" is insulting. It's kind of like the Politically Correct Fairy Tales of years ago. Frankly, I hate when people attempt to tell me what to think or how to interpret things. It's why I refuse to watch television news.

And by the way, I think Obama actually is a rich white man.

December 3, 2009 at 8:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great to see God at work in the minds of all people, including those who post here. If the project is so bogus, it would be ignored by those who reject the Bible. But, alas, it isn't. It does matter to all those who make the critical posts, or they wouldn't bother with the keystrokes.

The wording and rewording (whatever it might be called) is irrelevant. What is relevant is that this stuff keeps being raised.
For 99.9% of the people, irrelevant topics are overlooked.

God at work.

December 3, 2009 at 10:27 PM  
Anonymous anonymous said...

However, I'm hearing rumors that they’re working on eyeglasses that will be soothing to ultra-conservatives by allowing them to look at President Obama and see a rich white guy.

Why do liberal men always bring up race?

December 4, 2009 at 11:45 AM  
Blogger Brant said...

I don't know why liberal men bring up race. I bring it up because race was a significant factor for a significant number of voters in the last election, not just Republicans but also Democrats from, primarily, rural areas.

December 4, 2009 at 1:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Coming in 2011: James Cameron's Bible 3D

December 5, 2009 at 4:05 PM  
Anonymous Family said...

For someone that doesn't like the religous right, you sure do complain a lot about them.

The Bible has been changed so many times, it's hard to tell what is the good word.

What I'm worried about is the people that write our childrens school books! The looney left!

December 6, 2009 at 9:43 PM  
Blogger dawntreader said...

Hey Brant... I thought you might enjoy this!
Now I can study while playing Halo 3!
J-Bo

The Word of the Lord for 400 Microsoft Points
Posted by The Stranger Testing Department on Fri, Nov 13, 2009 at 10:12 AM

Who knew that The Greatest Story Ever Told was also "some of the most important content ever written"? So says Aaron Linne, who's figured out how to monetize the Bible on the Xbox 360: starting next month, you can download Bible Navigator X, the complete, searchable Old and New Testaments, for just 400 Microsoft Points, aka $5. (Rumors concerning a cheat code for Leviticus remain unconfirmed.)

December 9, 2009 at 4:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Bible: with additional dialog by Mike Huckabee.

December 12, 2009 at 12:22 PM  

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