Go under cover, please

Modesty - n. - propriety in dress, speech or conduct

I'm not one to lecture people about the finer points of fashion. Heck, I've spent years trying to perfect the alcoholic vagrant beachcomber look, so asking me whether this blouse goes well with that skirt is about like asking Hitler to plan a bar mitzvah. Wrong guy for the job. So, what I'm going to do here is not complain about the quality of clothing people wear in public, but the quantity. I went to a preseason football game last night in Canton, and I was stunned by some of the ensembles people felt comfortable wearing in public. Even since a group of well-meaning children tried to roll me back into the surf at Myrtle Beach about 20 years ago, I've taken great care to wear a shirt at the beach and elsewhere. In other words, I got the wake-up call. Some people, I'm afraid, have taken that phone off the hook. So, as a public service, here are a few things I'd like to suggest:

Ladies, if you have what you consider to be a lovely piece of art permanently inked onto your body in the region just north of your backside, and that part of your anatomy, over the course of some years, has developed undulations akin to the tracks of the Thunderbolt at Kennywood, please share said artwork only with your closest relatives.

Some women seem to have no idea when they have raced past the point where it is appropriate to go bra-less, or they count on some Spandex-like top to get the job done. You just can't get 20 pounds of stuff into a 10-pound container, and time and gravity are inevitable. A good rule of thumb is that if the protrusions on what traditionally would be considered the front of your breasts are now pointing down like a dowser's rod that has found water, it's time for a high-quality bra.

Short shorts are fine if someone can flick a quarter off your thighs and be at risk of losing an eye when it richochets back. However, if the texture of your thighs is similar to a relief map of Uzbekistan, a knee-length pair of shorts is recommended.

Knee-length shorts are not sufficient, and you'll want to look into a capri pant, if any part of what previously was a thigh now dangles below the knee.

If you have ankle fat that slops down over your shoes, it's time to consider a floor-length trouser or even a flowing gown. That's good for you guys, too. Remember how stylish Chevy Chase looked in "Fletch" while roller skating at the beach? Just one word of caution: Be careful how you accessorize with a long gown if you are heading to the airport and want to avoid a cavity search. Pearls: always a good choice. AK47 and a "Death to America" ballcap: not so good.

These trouser tips apply to men, as well. Also, fellas, there comes a time in some of our lives when silky athletic shorts and skin-tight "wife beaters" no longer get it done. If you can sit your beverage on your beer gut and use your navel for a salsa receptacle, it's time for a less-clingy garment.

I have to admit that there are women, at least in my estimation, who look good in a minimum of clothing, but if you take notice of that, many of them seem to get very offended. (In this day and age, a sideways glance or innocuous comment seems to be grounds for screaming "sexual harassment," but that's a subject for another day, perhaps tomorrow.) There's an old saying about not advertising unless you're trying to sell something, but some ladies pay that no mind. I saw several women at the football game who wore tops that were so insufficient that I thought perhaps they were taking on-demand breast feeding to an extreme and wanted to be able to accommodate a small child with a minimum of clothing adjustment. But they should be aware that while they might attract suckling infants, they also might garner the attention of what are commonly called horny males. (That would be most of us.) And those males just might be moved to quote the immortal Cleavon Little in "Blazing Saddles," who said, "Excuse me while I whip this out." And, of course, they'll then produce a camera phone or some such gadgetry to memorialize the moment in pictures. To summarize: Ladies, if you still have parts of you that are "restaurant quality," feel free to share, but realize that some people will take a long time looking at the menu.