Thursday, January 1, 2009

When's them-there nuptials?


Amid the holiday hoopla, you might not have heard that Bristol Palin, unwed daughter of Alaska governor, sex-education opponent and former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, delivered a baby boy last weekend. Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston (does anyone else find the use of four names pretentious?) weighed in at seven pounds, four ounces, and mother and baby are reported to be doing fine. With that bit of business out of the way, one can assume that Bristol, according to the plan laid out during the presidential campaign, soon will be tying the knot with the fella who impregnated her, fellow 18-year-old Levi Johnston. However, it appears no date has been set. I understand that you have to work around the kids' school schedules and ... What? ... They're not in school? ... They are? ... What's the story here? The story is that a few months back, the AP reported that Levi Johnston had dropped out of high school to work on the North Slope oil field. Now, Sarah Palin has her panties in a twist about that, saying that Johnston is, indeed, pursuing his education, via a correspondence program. And the gov says her daughter is enrolled in school but also doing correspondence work. OK, now that we have that clear, it should be easy to set a date. But hold on there! Surely you can't have a wedding without the mother of the groom in attendance, and they'll need to wait until the authorities firm up her court schedule on charges of selling Hillbilly Heroin (OxyContin). Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking? You take all these people - Palin, the First Dude, the happy young couple, Levi's mom (depending on her bail conditions) and the other Palin kids, Stick, Rock and Craftsman Tool, dump them in the middle of Beverly Hills and wait for the fish-out-of-water hijinks to ensue. What? Already been done? OK. Back to the young lovers. I have no doubt that Levi will make every effort to marry Bristol. He may not receive a rocket-science certification from the Wasilla School of Snowmobile Repair and Moose-Gutting, but surely he's smart enough to go all K-Fed and latch onto the cash cow that's right in front of his nose. I'll keep checking the mail for my invitation.

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28 Comments:

Blogger Ellipses said...

Jeez... I expect that when the hangovers wear off, a veritable sh!t-storm will rain down on this blog :-)

While Brillo and Wrangler are basically adults (and can take it like adults), I do feel bad for the younger kids... It will be interesting to see what happens to Click, Twig, Tent, and Sock...

I don't understand why the name game hypocrisy doesn't come up more often... Obama has a name that makes dumb people think he's a muslim... and the Palin kids have names that make smart people think they are from the future. That's kinda ironic considering her political philosophy is so firmly rooted in the past!

That's what's so mavericky about it though... you'd never expect one of the girls on Little House on the Prairie to be named Tron.

January 1, 2009 at 1:03 PM  
Blogger Brant said...

Congrats! You're the early leader for best reply of '09. Looking forward to a full year of hilarity from you, my friend.

January 1, 2009 at 1:18 PM  
Blogger Ellipses said...

The year is young, Brant... Lotsa oneupmanship still to come!

January 1, 2009 at 1:21 PM  
Blogger miss bess said...

I agree with Brant. That was brilliant...

January 1, 2009 at 9:41 PM  
Blogger Roger said...

Interesting, to be sure. But, to me what is more interesting is the desire to keep Palin alive in the news. For so many that claimed her to be a non-entity during the election, somebody who didn't have anything to offer, somebody who should just return to obscurity in Alaska, the media has this itching desire to keep anything Palin related in the news. So many folks claimed she was no threat to take any political power because of her lightweight status.

If she is really as so many painted her, why doesn't she just fade away? There seems to be an unexplained paradox with Sarah Palin.

Just for the record, I was no fan of Palin, and remain so. She should never have been on the (R) ticket, and I hope she will never appear in national politics again.

January 2, 2009 at 8:25 AM  
Blogger Ellipses said...

Roger... I think that is part of the drive to keep her on people's tongue... some people are afraid she will rally the silent majority of these people http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BaxECcTjCuw

and "snipe" the nomination in 2012...

*shudder :-)

Plus... it's damn funny stuff sometimes.

OH SNAP! my confirmation word is "Polamu"--- soooo close

January 2, 2009 at 8:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I were the newly-weds-to-be, I'd head north and jump into Russia to get away from Mom.

January 2, 2009 at 9:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brant, I laughed out loud at your comments! I love how you are able to degrade and belittle others on their education, their parents, where they live, even their names! This is great stuff! You are the perfect person person to judge and ridicule these hicks that live in Alaska, which is only slightly different from the lives we lead here in PA. What a hoot!

Thanks for taking this opportunity to make fun of them - it makes me feel so much better!

Cannot wait to hear what other enlightened and constructive things you have to say as 2009 unfolds! Great job as always!!

January 2, 2009 at 9:43 AM  
Blogger Ellipses said...

Washpa is Hait-Asbury compared to Wasilla :-)

January 2, 2009 at 9:52 AM  
Blogger Brant said...

Please accept my gratitude, anonymous, for the kind words and encouragement. Thanks for being a fan.

January 2, 2009 at 9:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can you imagine how the right would have risen up in righteous indignation if one of Al Gore's daughters had become an unwed mother at age 18? And if she and the father had dropped out of high school? And the father's mother was busted for selling drugs? It would have been evidence of the moral decadence and lax standards of Democrats and liberals.

But when it's Sarah Palin and her family, well, that's another story...

--Brad Hundt

January 2, 2009 at 11:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's not surprising to me that the secular world has gleefully condemned the Palins. Sarah Palin has probably been driven to the point of tears and despair as the press judges and mocks her family. Whether it be a son, a daughter, a grandchild, or a friend who is adrift, the pain and suffering as we watch loved ones suffer is sometimes too much to bear, especially when the world nails us to the cross. We all carry mud of the journey, some more, some less, and people who are lily-white clean, or well, do not need a doctor to help them, but only those who are sick. Brant, you are so respectable that I am sure you need not repent for any mud you've accumulated on your soul during your journey, but only outcasts like the Palins and their ilk need a physician. But if I were you, I would not judge, for God will judge you in the same way as you judge others and he will apply to you the same rules you apply to others. The ironic part of your post is that God will not condemn the Palins, but he will condemn those who cast stones.

January 2, 2009 at 9:04 PM  
Blogger Brant said...

Sarah Palin deserves any and all mockery she gets, and she's the one who put the unwed couple front and center at the beginning of the campaign. If she had supported real sex education in Alaska's schools and perhaps even talked with her daughter about sex, perhaps the girl could have learned something to prevent a pregnancy. All that "just say no" claptrap has proven woefully inept at keeping teens from having sex. And research has found that those youngsters who try to keep pledges of purity until marriage are more likely to engage in anal and oral activities. Like everyone else, I've had my failings in life. I try to learn from them and be a better person in the future. But since I don't believe in God, I don't spend any time worrying about damnation in an afterlife.

January 2, 2009 at 10:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny, but I don't recall the religous right and the GOP taking that "judge not" attitude when Bill Clinton's extramarital activities came to light...

--Brad Hundt

January 3, 2009 at 3:45 PM  
Blogger miss bess said...

Brad - I agree. Does anyone recall SNL's absurdly awkward portrayal of poor, brace-faced tween Chelsea Clinton? Or jump ahead a few years and consider some "swift" veterans and attacks on the flip-flopper of 2004...It's politics. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the mavericky kitchen.

January 3, 2009 at 10:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If we all stop judging each other, we're going to have damn little to talk about. Wouldn't it be fun though, to live in a world where everyone just keeps his trap hut?

January 4, 2009 at 3:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous, I agree. And although I am not a resident of Washington County, but from the South, I hold the editors of the Observer-Reporter and the people of Washington County to a higher standard, perhaps because I am very impressed and inspired by Grumpy Old Editor's very fine articles on his blog, particularly about the founder of the newspaper, Enos Christman. Brant also has much talent as a writer that I really hate to see tarnished by the lack of compassion and graciousness portrayed in the article above.

January 4, 2009 at 4:23 PM  
Anonymous dg said...

Those that boast deserve to be judged.

January 4, 2009 at 9:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guys and gals, we all deserve to be judged, but not by man. Even the irreligious will agree with that. However, anyone in public life should understand that they will be judged because it's human nature. To enter public service in any way -- as a politician, a teacher or even a movie star -- and expect never to be judged shows a real failure to grasp reality. But we are complex, we humans, we have pride. We want to be accepted. We want to be liked. What it comes down to is, tend to your own life as best you can, and don't worry what others think or say about you. If we are to someday answer to a god, no one else will take whatever blame is to be assigned to you. If we won't have to answer, what's all the ruckus?

January 5, 2009 at 11:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When will you stop slamming her? You put her on the front page with smear stories from the AP for two months. Now you blog about her a few times a month. Why are you so scared of Sarah?

January 5, 2009 at 3:14 PM  
Blogger Ellipses said...

It's kinda like "not forgetting" 9/11... Gotta make sure people never forget that we were only 7 million votes away from electing the neighbor lady to Vice President behind a 70 year old torture and cancer survivor...

Gotta show them towers burning every once in a while to knock things around in people's heads.

January 5, 2009 at 3:40 PM  
Blogger Brant said...

They would be smear stories if they were untrue. I'll wait while someone thinks of something published about Palin in the O-R that was false.

January 5, 2009 at 5:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with your argument on abstinence education, but you muddy the waters with personal attacks on Sarah Palin.

The argument would be so much more effective if you focused on why you dislike abstinece education.

As it is, people will ignore your argument and ask why you're picking on Sarah Palin -- which you are doing. It's sort of pathetic, like shooting fish in a barrel.

January 6, 2009 at 1:21 PM  
Blogger Ellipses said...

I dislike two things on abstinence education...

1) it doesn't work
2) People like Sarah Palin push it as if it does

:-)

January 6, 2009 at 2:24 PM  
Blogger Roger said...

What is meant by "abstinence doesn't work?" That phrase keeps being used, without explanation. What is defined as "work?"

I'm pretty naive about many subjects. But, I think that every time a couple abstains from sexual intercourse, no pregnancy results from the union. Or, stated differently, every pregnancy happens as a result of sexual intercourse. I am excluding the non-natural forms of an egg being fertilized (e.g. artificial insemination).

When the phrase is used, as used in this thread, the implication is that if ANY pregnancy happens, abstinence, or abstinence education, has not worked. Abstinence is ALWAYS effective to prevent pregnancy.

The only question is whether or not the parties involved choose to exercise abstinence. Abstinence education, in and of itself, does nothing to prevent pregnancy. The exercise of freedom to engage in the sexual intercourse is always left to the male/female couple.

The heart of the issue is the apparent freedom to have no restraints on personal behavior. That freedom gets people into all kinds of trouble, with pregnancy only is one manifestation. Pregnancy is unique because it is a chosen target for making judgments one person, to another. Other forms of the irresponsible behaviors requiring restraints are not held to the same scrutiny, rather they are just overlooked. Our society has come to a point of "if it feels good, do it," and then appeal to others to help with the consequences (e.g. AIDS in the homosexual community).

The facts have always been the same: No sexual intercourse, no pregnancy.

January 6, 2009 at 3:01 PM  
Blogger Ellipses said...

Ok, let me clarify... abstinence works...

Eating exactly 2000 calories a day, taking all the supplemental vitamins, refusing alcohol, tobacco, and environmental toxins... red meat, pork fat, and bacon... exercising for a minimum of 75 minutes per day... sleeping exactly 8 hours in a pitch dark room and reading at least 1 book per week will let you live to be 120...

It doesn't work because the vast majority of kids are going to have sex. Just like you are going to eat cake sometime... or have a beer... or something...

It doesn't work if it isn't done... and never in the history of the human race have we succeeded in getting people to not have sex. Therefore, it stands to reason that if you have the technology available to prevent pregnancy, you should go ahead and teach kids how to use it.

January 6, 2009 at 3:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, abstinence obviously works. Just like not eating anything will eventually prevent uyoui fromn gaining weight. It's enforcing abstinence that doesn't work. You can tell kids from now until Armageddon that they should simply wait to have sex till they're married, but thinking that kids experiencing sexual urges for the first time will be able to harness the hormones once they start raging is naive at best. Hell, even adults can't control those urges.

What I'm saying is, try abstinence if you want, but be prepared with a condom or other birth control device if all your plans go awry. A cop may really, really, really want to believe that he will be able to talk that gun-toting psycho out of shooting him, but do you think he's not gonna wear body armor, just in case.

January 6, 2009 at 3:45 PM  
Blogger Richard Dirt said...

Why did Sarah Palin's slut daughter's baby cross the road?

Because it was stapled to the chicken...

January 11, 2009 at 8:09 PM  

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