Wednesday, April 1, 2009

True stories on April Fools' Day

One advantage the NFL has over the other major sports leagues is that its teams and players make news year-round. However, it's not always good news. Here are some updates on the major stories of the supposed offseason:

It appears that Jay Cutler will soon be known as the former quarterback of the Denver Broncos. For those of you who haven't been following along, Cutler has been in a funk since he found out that his employer had shopped him in trade talks in an effort to get Matt Cassel, late of the New England Patriots. Cutler's approach since then has been to act like a whiny little b ... uh, bad boy ... and demand that the Broncos trade him to a team that will appreciate him and kiss his keister in the manner to which he's become accustomed since Pee Wee ball. It appears he's getting his wish. There are reports out of Denver that the team is actively trying to trade Cutler. Just more evidence that the inmates are running the asylum.

Our old "friend" Michael Vick is slipping back into the public eye. The convicted dog murderer, whose prison term will soon be coming to an end, is now trying to get his finances in order in bankruptcy court. Earlier this week, there were reports that Vick has agree to pay his old employer, the Atlanta Falcons, about $6.5 million for leaving the team in the lurch via his criminal behavior. The settlement is expected to be one of the topics when Vick appears in bankruptcy court Thursday. If all goes according to plan, and the deal is approved, the Falcons would be in a position to cut Vick. Then it gets interesting. Will any team, lured by Vick's unquestioned athletic ability, be willing to take a chance on a "man" who viciously killed dogs? My guess is that someone will step forward, trot out the old chestnut that "everyone deserves a second chance" and sign this reprobate to a contract. Of course, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell would have to sign off first, and he's gained a reputation as a "hanging judge" in dealing with players who break the law. But if Vick is cleared to play and signs with a team, how could any fan of that team, in good conscience, ever watch another one of their games? The good news is that the Steelers would never touch this kind of vermin.

And let's not forget our buddy Plaxico Burress. Plaxico's criminal case for stupidly shooting himself in the leg in a bar last November was continued this week until June. I don't really have a strong opinion on whether Plaxico deserves to go to jail on the charge of carrying an unlicensed .40-caliber handgun, but why was it necessary to delay the case? Supposedly, prosecutors and Burress' lawyers are discussing a plea deal, but Burress' people reportedly are balking at his doing any significant jail time. Burress attorney Benjamin Brafman said the two sides are "continuing to work our respective investigations." Investigations? It seems pretty cut and dried. The boob was carrying a handgun he shouldn't have been carrying. It went off and wounded him in the thigh. Either cut a deal or proceed to trial. Plaxico's current employers, the New York Giants, are said to be willing to take him back. Of course, these are the idiots who, despite Burress' repeated refusals to comport himself as a professional and/or an adult, signed him to a $35 million contract extension last September. Prosecutors are said to be seeking a one-year prison term for the wayward wide receiver. At the age of 31, Burress really can't afford to miss an entire season. And without football, Burress' future is a bit cloudy. I hope he has invested his earnings wisely over the years, because based on his public utterances during his years in Pittsburgh, and later in New York, it seems unlikely that he would be called upon to reprise Rex Harrison’s role in Shaw’s "Pygmalion.” Careers as a brain surgeon or a rocket scientist also appear to be out of the question.

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Blogger Ellipses said...

Wow... never thought Plaxico Burress and Pygmalion would be on the same page... like... ever

April 1, 2009 at 2:10 PM  
Blogger Brant said...

And this just in:

Police say Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte Stallworth was speeding and drunk when he ran down and killed a pedestrian with his Bentley last month in Miami.
Two sources said an arrest warrant charging the 28-year-old Stallworth with DUI manslaughter will be filed today in the March 14 accident that killed 59-year-old Mario Reyes.

Police say Stallworth told them he flashed his lights at Reyes as a warning. Jeez, shouldn't that have been sufficient? A lot of fantasy football owners already thought Stallworth belonged in prison for what he did to them. Now he might really be going.

April 1, 2009 at 2:43 PM  
Blogger Brant said...

Now Stallworth's attorney says he's going to "vigorously defend" his client against the DUI manslaughter charges. That's his job, but if the police are correct, and Stallworth was speeding and drunk at the time of the accident, I wonder what your defense would be. When he says "vigorously defend," does that mean he's going to try to get his client off on a technicality by getting the alcohol-content test thrown out? Will be blame the victim for not being in a marked crosswalk? It seems to me that Stallworth's actions, if accurately depicted by police, are pretty much indefensible.

April 2, 2009 at 12:24 PM  
Blogger Brant said...

More hilarity. John Robert Lawson, whose commercial construction company will provide Vick with a job while he's on home confinement and who describes himself as a 10-year friend of Vick's, had this to say: "He's not a bad person. He made some bad choices." Yes, dumbo, he IS a bad person. Five-year-olds make bad choices. A good person does not torture and kill dogs. Vick is an evil person. He is a sociopath.

April 3, 2009 at 12:59 PM  
Blogger PRIguy said...

A couple of things...The judge in Vick's case rejected his idea of paying back the millions he owes creditors and the Falcons on the $10 per hour wage he expects to make when he gets out. The judge told him that his idea for paying back the money was based on him playing in the NFL again, then told Vick that he had no guarantee that he would ever play in the NFL again.

Stallworth reportedly told police arriving at the scene of the accident that "I hit that guy." Of course, I'm sure some dipsh*t lawyer will say the fact that Stallworth was drunk when he made that statement makes it inadmissible in court.

I have NO sympathy for these "fallen" athletes. They are handed the world on a money-lined silver platter and they piss it away. Boo hoo. In the real world there are consequences. It's time these idiots learned.

And recently the Giants released Burress.

April 8, 2009 at 12:14 PM  
Blogger Ellipses said...

Hey Priguy... are you keeping a list?

I think we should be able to field a "The Longest Yard" team soon... Finding ex-con punters is rough, though!

April 8, 2009 at 2:25 PM  

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