I'll pass, thanks
The image above is meant to reflect what my reaction would be if forced to tune in to the World Cup soccer tournament, which I'm told is now under way. Soccer is said to be the biggest sport in the world, but I couldn't possibly care less about the World Cup. And I'm thinking that most Americans are with me on this. Soccer fans are a very dedicated bunch, but there just aren't that many of them in the United States. Sure, kids by the millions run around across our great land, chasing a soccer ball from one end of a field to the other, but for the average sports fan, soccer is hardly even a blip on the radar. One problem, I think, is the lack of scoring. Many American sports fans want instant gratification. They're not interested in a sport where a 1-0 score is commonplace. Heck, sometimes no one scores. I can't pinpoint exactly why I hate soccer. I love baseball, and it's not exactly a thrill a minute. Same with golf. Heck, I'll even watch bowling. But I'd rather have a delicate operation in the groin region than sit through an entire soccer game. Hence, a whole tournament of soccer has about the same appeal to me as having Pele kick a soccer ball into my aforementioned groin region every day for a month, which is how long this thing lasts. Soccer fans tend to get very angry and defensive when you call their game boring. They accuse you of not understanding it and not appreciating the artistry and strategy that go into a scoring chance. Nope. I understand it perfectly well. It just makes me want to drink poison. My sincerest hope, at the risk of sounding less than patriotic, is that the American team is eliminated from the tournament as quickly as possible so that maybe, just maybe, they'll spend less time prattling on about the World Cup on SportsCenter.