Monday, June 9, 2008

A little Hell insurance


If you're like me and haven't signed up with one of the major organized religions, and it turns out you are really, really wrong, it's apparently not a sure thing that you'll be consigned to the depths of hell when the "Rapture" rolls around. I'm no Biblical scholar, but I was led to understand that, according to the Christian faith, when it gets down to nut-cutting time, those who believe in the Lord will be headed to heaven, and those who don't can expect to get the mother of all sunburns. But a Web business called "You've Been Left Behind" (www.youvebeenleftbehind.com) suggests there may be a grace period of sorts for those who have royally screwed up to make amends. For an initial annual fee of $40 (future annual charges yet to be determined), the "Left Behind" folks will help the faithful create personalized messages to be sent via e-mail to non-believing friends and loved ones after the Rapture. This outfit says there will be "a small window of time where they might be reached for the Kingdom of God." Guess what? If you're sitting at work, and suddenly a bunch of your co-workers are spirited through the ceiling, it's not going to require an e-mail from Aunt Mabel to get you to jump on the Jesus bandwagon. As the old saying goes, there are no atheists in foxholes. And if there is this wide-open window of opportunity, it kind of eliminates the need to get with the program in advance, doesn't it? So I guess I can continue to sleep in on Sundays. Just so there are no false alarms, the organization has designated five team members around the United States who report in regularly to let the folks at the home office know they're still on terra firma. The e-mails are triggered when at least three of those five people don't check in for six days. It would be kind of embarrassing if three or four of them got together for a Bible study or something and then went on a weeklong bender, but, hey, nothing is foolproof. I'm still skeptical about this whole Rapture deal, but just to be safe, I'm turning off my spam-blocker.

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10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's hilarious! Kind of sounds like the professional "pardoners" who would sell Catholic indulgences back in the Middle Ages.

--Brad Hundt

June 9, 2008 at 1:42 PM  
Blogger Ellipses said...

With him there rode a gentle Pardoner...

No beard had he, nor never should have;
A smooth it was as it were late shave.
I trowe he were a gelding or a mare.

-Ellipses

June 9, 2008 at 1:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So here's my question: What if the pilot and co-pilot of a commercial airplane are raptured beyond the clouds in the middle of a flight? Will angels guide the plane to the ground, or are the passengers just SOL?

--Brad Hundt

June 9, 2008 at 4:31 PM  
Blogger Ellipses said...

I imagine that those passengers who are worthy would join the pilots... the rest get to have their fiery hell on earth.

-Ellipses

June 9, 2008 at 6:10 PM  
Blogger Roger said...

Clearly, you skeptics have not spent any time studying eschatology from the Bible. Your words betray your understanding of the topic. Perhaps this is topic best left alone, until you wish to devote time for some serious study.

Many Christian believers do believe, as they have learned from Scriptures, a time period will exist between the Rapture and The Last Day that will enable people to trust the Lord Jesus Christ as their Savior. From your brief description (admitting I did not spend time with further research to their website), this is the time period of which they speak.

While having an agreement regarding the time period, I would take great difference about their scheme of notifying others of their opportunity. This is yet one more example of a splinter group that has gone beyond biblical teachings, with their own version of what might happen. If others are to be given the opportunity to put their trust in Him, I am confident the Lord will provide a way, His way. E-mail just doesn't cut it.

June 9, 2008 at 10:25 PM  
Blogger Ellipses said...

Now that the software development platform is available for the iPhone, maybe someone can write an app that will send a txt message... that would be uber-convenient. Oooh! eschatological poetics! My favorite subject.

-Ellipses

June 9, 2008 at 10:34 PM  
Blogger Brant said...

Roger,
Being a simple country boy, I'll have to leave any discussion of "eschatology" to your an Ellipses. I'll head to the dictionary. I am sure there are differing beliefs within the religious community regarding the Rapture and its related ground rules. I just found the Web site highly amusing and thought that if there is a "grace period" in which someonce could change his or her mind about Jesus, pretty much everyone would after seeing something as impressive as the Rapture. And that "loophole," as it were, and if it exists, sort of makes it unnecessary to make any decisions now regarding salvation. Of course, if one were to die "unsaved" before the Rapture, I'm guessing that's a whole 'nother set of rules, and debate. Have a good day, fellas. I'm heading to Star Lake to worship a rock 'n' roll deity (Tom Petty).

June 10, 2008 at 8:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

By some accounts, there will be a7-year period after the Rapture, called the Tribulation, during which people who have not accepted Jesus as savior will have the chance to change their minds. However, the same school of thought says that those who take advantage of this opportunity will suffer horribly before dying as martyrs. The point of the Rapture is to spare believers from the Tribulation. After the Tribulation will come a 1,000 year period of peace (Satan having been imprisoned) where Christ will rule on earth, but there will be a climactic battle between good and evil, after which the "world" will end. At least that's one interpretation.

Whoever started this site is a first class entrepreneur. They'll never have to return a cent to subscribers because they can always claim that the rapture hasn't happened yet. I plan to start a site that will e-mail subscribers one day before the Rapture so that they can put on clean underwear.

June 10, 2008 at 7:57 PM  
Blogger Ellipses said...

Wow... just when I start getting sucked in to the whole "well maybe there IS a god..." thing... something like that smacks me in the face and says "don't be a sh!thead."

-Ellipses

June 10, 2008 at 10:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

God's OK. It's his followers who screwed things up.

June 11, 2008 at 4:59 PM  

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