Friday, July 31, 2009

Where are a rope and a stout limb when you need them?


We've all had our "weeks from hell." Let me tell you (bore you) about mine. It all started on Wednesday, July 23, when I had to start preparing for a routine colonoscopy the next day. The process goes like this: About 3 p.m., you take a few Dulcolax tablets. A couple of hours later, you start gulping down glasses of Gatorade that has been mixed with a whole lot of a powdery laxative called Miralax. I was instructed to use 255 grams of Miralax, which is a whole tub of the stuff. I looked at the bottle, and if you're just trying to prod balky bowels, you use 17 grams. Needless to say, once the Miralax kicks in, it's a pretty good idea to be in the vicinity of a toilet. By midnight, I felt as if Mike Tyson had used me for a heavy-bag workout. The next day, I go in the for procedure, and despite the IV drug they gave me, I wasn't quite out of it when the doctor went to work on me with the tube. It felt pretty much like he had stuffed a couple of wolverines up my wazoo. Fortunately, the drugs kicked in shortly thereafter, and the next thing I knew, a nice lady was handing me a Coca-Cola. They also advised that the good doctor had snipped off a couple of polyps while he was "in there," so it wasn't just a casual tour of my lower intestines. After that, I'm figuring that life has to be looking up. Ha ha. It was shortly thereafter that the electrical system in my house began to behave in a strange manner. Out of the blue, half the house would periodically go dark. Just as mysteriously, it would go back on. Sometimes, if the air-conditioner kicked on, that would jump start the part of the house that was dark. I'm still in the process of trying to figure that one out and solve the problem without having to take out a loan. Then, the first of this week, the upstairs toilet and I had an epic two-day battle. I finally won, with the help of an Internet cure found by the missus that included hot water and Palmolive. In the midst of my jousting with the "royal throne," my son calls me at work to advise that something "really bad" has happened to the push mower. He tells me that there's some oil on the deck of the mower. When I get home, I tip it up to see if there's any damage underneath, and when I do that, all kinds of oil and large chunks of metal come out of the side of the engine compartment. Nice. I fully expected a plague of locusts or snakes the last couple of days, but all is quiet. And I got a call yesterday telling me those polyps I had snipped off were benign, so maybe things are looking up. Nevertheless, I'm still on the lookout for lightning bolts, and next week I get to take my car to the shop. Oh boy.

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16 Comments:

Blogger Ellipses said...

That's good news, Brant... about your tubes, that is.

As far as the other stuff is concerned... well... :-)

July 31, 2009 at 11:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your week reminds me of a poster we sold as students in the band. Remember the poster, "Hang In There Baby" with a kitten hanging, with both paws, from a suspended ledge or something...It was so funny...they say humor helps with healing.

It's Grog Brant, I can't get my identity to work.

July 31, 2009 at 3:46 PM  
Blogger Brant said...

Well, I'm going to humor myself with some adult beverages this evening. ;-)

July 31, 2009 at 3:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This takes me back to the M.McCain story calling Joe a dumbass. It seems to me I would rather be handy with tools than a computer. Cause if you're book smart and thats it, life sure is expensive!

August 1, 2009 at 1:47 AM  
Blogger Brant said...

Yeah, but if you're book smart and handy with a computer, you can quite often make enough money to pay someone else to do the work for you. And I'm blessed to have an uncle living a couple of hills over who can fix pretty much anything with a pair of pliers and some baling twine. He's come to our rescue often, and we're lucky to have him. Different people have different skills. We should value all of them and work with one another, using the skills we have to help others who don't have those skills, and vice versa. And I DID get the toilet unclogged, so I didn't have to call on Joe.

August 1, 2009 at 9:34 AM  
Anonymous nomen said...

Yeah buddy! I'm pretty sure the OR pays top dollar... LOL. Brant you made it to the bigs!! YOU WORK AT THE OR!!! WHOOOOAH JACK YOU'RE DOING GOOD NOW!!!

Brant can you write a story on community events going on at the nursing home next week?

August 1, 2009 at 10:41 AM  
Blogger Brant said...

Maybe I'll write a story about your mom.

August 1, 2009 at 2:55 PM  
Blogger Ellipses said...

Oh no he didn't!

August 1, 2009 at 3:06 PM  
Anonymous nomen said...

Maybe I'll write a story about your mom.

LOL!!!! somebody got knocked off the high horse?

Brant simmer down now!

August 1, 2009 at 4:54 PM  
Anonymous brants 24k job LOL said...

BRANT, what's it like being a famous picture editor and blogger?
Good times man... good times

I was wondering how you handle all the fame and riches! I bet you have all the chicks!

August 1, 2009 at 5:11 PM  
Blogger Brant said...

Let's just say you've underestimated my salary considerably with your handle, but that's neither here nor there. I have a life, at home and work, that I find very satisfying. Maybe it's not for everyone, but it works for me. My childish reply was made simply to point out that we can resort to schoolyard taunts and inane insults, or we can have an adult discussion. From here on, we'll be having an adult discussion. And I apologize for any hard feelings I might have caused. And, by the way, at my age, and with my girth and looks, I'm not expecting to be fighting off the hot, young chicks. ;-) Now, in the words of Rodney King, can't we all just get along?

August 1, 2009 at 6:39 PM  
Anonymous nomen said...

Brant, you could make 43k a year and I wouldn't give a rats arse!

You are who you are, and you make what you make. I don't ever want to read on your blog again that you are better then someone else. You work hard, cause you're only book smart and have to do that...

I feel for you, being a sad photo editor for the freaking OR. I mean you must sit back and wonder why you didn't make it to the NY TIMES. Maybe if you tried just a little bit harder you could have made it to Pittsburgh!

Man you failed in life, I get it. You don't have to fail all the time, maybe you can investigate into deeper stories, I mean f*c# they are all around you with Dillweed Deweese and Murtha.

I know you are a sorry person and I forgive you. DO YOUR FREAKING HOMEWORK. I'll take the sorry and 25 cents and get a cup of coffee! If I failed at my job you would be speaking Russian by now.

Wait vote for Obama again and that might happen.

You big book smart guy, getting shut down by an ugly old soldier. Must suck...

Don't let the OR know, or like I said, I would own your job. HEHEHEHEE YOU FIGURE IT OUT, O YOU DID BY THE IP

August 2, 2009 at 1:19 AM  
Blogger Brant said...

I think I've had a great life, but you're obviously a very angry, unhappy person. So if you have any more bile to spew at me, send it to my e-mail at bnewman@observer-reporter.com. Otherwise, put a cap on it. You've taken your shots. That's fine. But we're not going to continue on this track.

August 2, 2009 at 9:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Life is a sewer, Why should your insides be any different?

I had a colonoscopy three years ago after undergoing a purge that was second only to the one in Russia in the early part of the 20th century. When I got there, the doctor said I hadn't been "cleaned our enough" and that I should come back the next year. About that time I wished that he had one of those "Fantastic Voyage" microships that could be shrunk and inserted in my colon so the Raquel Welch could clean it with tiny brushes.

Don't feel too bad -- my kid has Crohn's disease and has had five colonoscopies in the last three years, with one scheduled for August. He doesn't mind because he's knocked out. Good news is, he's healthy and it looks like they may have the thing under control -- as much as it ever is for Crohn's patients.

August 2, 2009 at 7:39 PM  
Blogger Brant said...

Glad to hear things are looking up for your son. Crohn's is a terrible thing for a person to be hit with, especially a young person. Those of us who are healthy should remember what others are going through and not take our good fortune for granted.

August 3, 2009 at 6:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wouldn't let a photo editor put air in my tires, remember brant, righty tighty!

I would love to see a photo editor with a skill saw, or roof jack. Wonder if he can pour a sidewalk? "you smart rich guys" (lol) should hate obama, he is getting ready to eat the rich!

August 4, 2009 at 5:57 PM  

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